I just met my darkness. Again.
If you are feeling suicidal please call the number below for support. You are worth it, and I mean that with every fiber of my being. Your presence on this planet is critical to it being a better place.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
I was lying in bed unable to sleep. An email came through earlier in the day about a situation I have been working with for several years. I have an understanding that I am not going to be able to change things in this situation in ways that are meaningful to me. I've learned to take care of myself, disengage when necessary and "go with the flow". Stop battling. Be firm in my boundaries around how someone can and cannot treat me. Ha! It's not really working! I still don't feel safe! And I cannot fully get out of the situation and I think the suicidal urge kind of appreciates that. It has been hanging back watching and seeing if the letting go and releasing that I've done are working. I'm ready for a bigger shift and my emotions are escalating because the actions I have been taking aren't really working out as I need them to.
This night was interesting. I was crying. And I laid my head on the pillow and suicide came forward. The thought was "I wish I was dead." And a complete sense of calm settled over me and I smiled.
So if the suicidal urge isn't calling for our death, but the death of a situation, how do we work in this realm of emotion in a way that doesn't hurt us? I think it is unique for each of us. I think it begins with this: Emotions don't take action. We do. And the question becomes, how do we figure out what action to take?
Here is my current plan:
I'm gonna hit the gym and lift some weights. Connect to my strong!! Sparkly black material has entered my consciousness and I think sewing something with it might help me stay connected to who I really am in this situation. Connect to my creativity! Rejuvenate myself so I can approach the situation from a healthy, fresh perspective, and dive in from a resourced position. My anchor is set in a safe harbor, and I am revisiting my chart and exploring with my crew.
Working in the realm of supporting people to design their lives, I sometimes wonder if sharing things like this might show that I don't have it all together. And I would tell you that I do not. I also find support through a coach and a group of people that do this same kind of work. It has been incredibly valuable in my life. I encourage you to find support as well, and If I can be that support for you I would be honored. If you don't think I am a fit for you, I have a network of amazing people, and I would be thrilled to connect you to someone in my network that would be a better fit.
On the speakers...doing a little dancing as I write.